I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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