my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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