Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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