I have demons in me.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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