just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
All the doctor said was why
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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