just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
