Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
