Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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