burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
