I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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