You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
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Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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