I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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