You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
