No stitches, just platelets and will power
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
