Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
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If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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