My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
