i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
oh god the rape fog is back!
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
