she woke up with a sticky ear
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
