Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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