i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
