i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm really busy with my period
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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