apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
