Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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