hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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