I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
