I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
