Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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