Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize