Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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