Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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