my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
