wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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