need another drink. this is the easiest way
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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