Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We're using joints as your birthday candles
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
