you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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