he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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