mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
this boner is exhausting
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
