I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just cropdusted the office
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
