so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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