i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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