11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
