I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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