I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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