i think i have two assholes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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