you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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