dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
