This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
