If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
