i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We were destined to go to rehab together
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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