Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
