I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
They took my balls.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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