i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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