Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
