you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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