i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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