Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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