for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
