We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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